11 Reasons Why We Really Really love Toxic Relationships
Every single relationship has a level of toxicity. No relationship is perfect—there’s always some work to be done,
People love messiness. Most would choose a toxic relationship over a normal boring relationship. Toxicity is like an adrenaline to your life. It will keep you going.
Let’s break it down into 11 specific reasons why we love toxic relationships and unavailable partners:
1. Toxic relationships make you feel good.
Well initially anyway. Narcissistic and emotionally unavailable people are good at doing the things to make you feel like they care and love you in limited doses.
They typically have a lot of experience in doing enough to make you feel secure and are capable of misleading even the smartest among us. They often start off the relationship very strong. There is a term for it. It’s called love bombing.
They love bomb the shit out of you. Pun fully intended. Wikipedia even has a page breaking love bombing down in great detail. You are showered with affection and attention, something that feels very good and is difficult to resist.
2. It’s highly inconsistent, and for some reason, you can never quite get the assurance you need.
They give many excuses as to why they can’t commit or why they disappear then reappear. It can be so convincing, and they are so persuasive that some of these reasons may seem justifiable.
The toxic person uses this attention, affection, and physical interaction with you to get what they want from you when they want you.
3. They play on your securities and insecurities which can confuse the heck out of you.
Emotionally unavailable people are so good at playing the role that they often give you immediate clues they are not good for you. They are ambiguous about commitment, next steps and shift the blame to you when things go wrong.
And what does this make you want to do? Instead of leaving, you instead think you can change them, be the one to break them of this habit, and your desire for them grows even more.
4. It’s freakin challenging to leave a toxic relationship.
It is human nature to focus on the person’s positive qualities versus paying attention to the glaringly disturbing ones especially when you develop feelings for them.
Questions to do a reality check of whether you are in a toxic relationship include:
How do they make you feel most of the time, not just in the limited interactions you have with them?
Are they there for you in a real and meaningful way?
If you are struggling to find their positive traits, it is likely there is not enough substance to hang on to in your relationship.
5. Sometimes dysfunction becomes functional.
Toxic relationships start innocently enough. They push your buttons; you push theirs. This dynamic can create some intense physical chemistry. And at first, you may shake off what could be emotionally or psychological abuse.
In fact, if the person is good at doing other things in your relationship, which people who are emotionally unavailable or abuse usually are, it can wreak havoc on your mind.
6. Toxic relationships are addictive.
Dopamine, which controls your pleasure center, is ignited when you are in a toxic relationship and the addiction can be similar to the one you would have to drugs. Scary, huh?
The frustration-attraction you feel is very real, and each time you have any interaction with this person, it strengthens your connection to them versus wanting you to leave them.
Oxytocin is released each time you physically connect with them which further strengthens your connection to them. Hence, dysfunction becomes functional.
7. It’s all you know.
Sometimes it’s hard to tell if you are in a toxic relationship especially if this is all you know. Unfortunately, no one teaches you to learn to cultivate a healthy and loving relationship.
We get our examples via our parents or others we observe who are in relationships. It takes real effort and self-education to determine what constitutes a healthy relationship. If all we’ve is toxicity that’s what we will be attracted to.
8. You feel like you don’t deserve more.
It’s true that we teach others what we will accept from them. There is a lot of research out there as to why people stay in bad relationships.
One of the single most significant determinants of whether you will stay or leave a relationship is what you perceive your options or what you think you deserve. Self-esteem plays a considerable part.
If you think you deserve less, you will settle for less. If you feel like some of your expectations are being met, you may hang in there even though you should leave.
9. What you see you often repeat.
If you have an abusive history in your family, it makes it even more difficult for you to leave because subconsciously this may be all you know from previous experience.
When you are do not have enough self-love, you may downgrade and justify what you think you deserve to match the traits of the person who is present in your life. The other thing you may do is to focus on their positive characteristics andjustify the bad habits of who they are as an individual.
10. You have a fear of the unknown.
There is a saying that the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know. I understand the context behind this saying, but I dislike this saying so much. This expression is often used to justify staying within our comfort zones.
And it really can come into play when you are in a toxic relationship. If you are in a relationship with a devil, why hang out with the devil at all? Get out, walk away, run, leave or whatever it is you have to do to keep your sanity.
If something feels toxic, even if you think you can control it or deal with it, it’s still toxic and isn’t healthy for you.
11. You get some level of intimacy and temporary from this person.
I understand it can be hard to leave something that feels good. And I know you may have a fear of loneliness. You may even yearn for some level of a feeling of intimacy which a toxic relationship may temporarily satisfy.
But realize that these temporary feelings are only that, temporary. Leaving now and staying out of a toxic relationship can save you years of heartache and disappointment.
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